Thursday, October 14, 2010


So you've decided to start a blog - Step 1: Become disillusioned with Google autocomplete

I decided to start a blog (obviously), but I was not really sure where to go from there so I turned to my old friend Google for advice. With high expectations I typed in the words 'so you've decided to start a', eagerly anticipating the moment when Google successfully identified what it was I had decided to do. It didn't come. I kept typing, certain that Google's autocomplete function - that had always known me so well in the past - would come through for me yet again. I typed the 'b', the 'l' and the 'o', pausing between each to give Google a chance. By the time I got to the 'g' I was completely disillusioned, forced as I was to enter a search query without the assistance of autocomplete.

Things got worse from there. A quick scan of the first results (which really, is as far as I ever get with a Google search) yielded nothing that I was actually looking for. Through autocomplete I knew that Google had a lot to offer me if I had decided to steal cable, become a goth, be a ninja, go to work high or be a bottom (after some debate I decided not to check that one out), but it had nothing on my decision to start a blog. I could, of course, have tried entering different search queries, but I had already been distracted by one particular autocomplete result that very nearly prevented me from continuing with my intial search at all...

So you've decided to start a blog - Step 2: Become evil

All right, so first of all I owe Google autocomplete an apology. The fact that 'so you've decided to become evil' was the very first thing you thought I was looking for obviously proves that you know me just as well as I thought you did. I do, however, find your insistence a little irritating. A person can have more than one hobby. Yes, I realise that you offered me ninja, but we've been down that road and I'll return it if and when I'm ready. I do not and never will want to be a bottom. I'm going to assume that was your idea of a joke.

Second of all, this is where I had to take a break since research had become involved and that inevitably led to procrastination. Weeks of procrastination.

Finally I decided enough was enough, returned to Google and clicked on the first option it gave me, for reasons mostly having to do with being too lazy to trawl through all the results to find the most suitable (yeah, you might notice a theme here).

The website was extremely comprehensive. It defined evil, described the benefits of being evil, and even went so far as to give a quick quiz to help you determine whether or not you're actually qualified to be evil. So naturally I had a quick look at it and decided I couldn't be bothered. I did click on the link titled 'Make your own evil plan', which was a multiple choice plan generator, and I did start it....but there were a lot of questions, and I got bored.

That's when I remembered why I often talk about world domination but have not yet managed to take over the world - because it seems like a lot of hard work and I quite simply can't be bothered.


So you've decided to start a blog - Step 3: You know what? Figure it out yourself.

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